Nothing compares to the high of falling in love. Everything suddenly feels exciting, and you can’t get enough of your new other half. Friends notice and comment on how your skin looks all glowy from all the extra bedroom time. You’re smiling more than ever and making rosy plans for your perfect, happily ever after.
Flash forward a few years, and you’re lying side by side in bed, scrolling separate TikTok feeds. You could have sex, if you really wanted to, but deep down you know it probably would be disappointing. How did you get here? Or if you’re not here already, how do you keep it from happening? Here are five things you can do to maintain — or bring back — the spark in your long-term relationship.
1. Experiment in the Bedroom
The best time to start experimenting in the bedroom is long before the sex has a chance to become routine. Early on, aim to create an atmosphere of playfulness and curiosity that can expand and evolve with time. Try introducing toys, attempting new positions, or sharing intimate fantasies with one another. Listen with an open mind to what your partner would like, and see where your desires align.
If you’ve been using condoms or another barrier method for a long time, you might want to consider skin-to-skin or fluid bonding. Some people find that the increased contact of going condomless can promote feelings of intimacy and connectedness. Just make sure, if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, that you use another reliable form of birth control. An oral contraceptive like junel fe can provide protection and peace of mind.
2. Go Skydiving
If you really want to fall back in love, try falling from way high up, together. Studies have shown that the adrenaline, oxytocin, and other brain chemicals produced by thrill-seeking activities may also promote attraction and bonding. The shared experience of doing something new and exciting can also give you lots more to talk about.
While you don’t literally need to jump out of a plane with your partner, some adventure could improve your relationship. If you’re not the bungee-jumping, paragliding, mountaineering type, consider a day at the amusement park. Or put your nerves to the test in other ways, like getting on stage together at a karaoke night — singing also promotes social bonding.
3. Learn a Skill
Taking a class together can be a powerful way to strengthen your bond and add more zest to your lives. Just make sure it’s something you’re both interested in and curious about, or it could feel like a slog for your partner. Start by sitting down and making a list of things you’ve both always been interested in, and then look for common ground.
Learning a language together is one option that could reap major dividends for years to come. For example, if you study Spanish together, you could use those skills to travel to Spain or Latin America as a couple. You could also try learning a partner dance like salsa, ballroom, or swing dancing. It’s great exercise, you meet lots of people, and you get an excuse to hold hands more.
4. Explore Together
Regardless of whether you learn a new language, taking trips together is another powerful way to keep the romance alive. The joy and spontaneity of visiting new places can keep your life — and relationship — from becoming too routine. When you travel together, you get to know new sides of each other that you might not have seen before. Seeing your partner in a new light can help bring back some of the mystery of when you first started dating.
In planning your travels, though, try to pick something that promotes exploring and discovery. An all-inclusive couples cruise, resort, or other intentional form of romantic isolation can feel too forced and lead to crushed expectations. A better option might be to explore a new city or take a road trip together. For smaller budgets, exploring new neighborhoods in your own city can be just as rejuvenating, with the right mindset.
5. Maintain Some Mystery
One of the ways most people build intimacy with their partners is by sharing lots of personal information and details. This kind of trust is crucial for partner-bonding and long-term relationship success, but there is such a thing as too much. Sometimes, surprising your partner by keeping certain things to yourself can reignite a dwindling flame. Engaging in your own private activities can also keep you feeling independent and alive.
This doesn’t mean you should turn your phone off and head out to a night club without your partner for the evening. But reading a book, taking a class, or spending time with friends without them could provide a little distance. Having your own experiences without your partner can pique their interest in your life. This separate time can also give you new things to talk to them about the next time you have dinner together.
Never Stop Learning
When it comes to maintaining long-term chemistry, the most important thing isn’t what you do, it’s how you do it. Approach your relationship with openness, and a willingness to let yourself grow and change alongside your partner. You can never fully know anyone, no matter how close you are to them. But the best relationships come from trying your best, every day, to uncover another little piece of your partner.
